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There, I said it. Monster trucks are freaking awesome. Who would have thought that jacking up a vehicle to absurd proportions and giving it gigantic tires could be so awesome?
Well whoever that first person was, I salute you. But, like a whale confined to a pool.. it almost feels wrong that monster trucks are used for shows in little arenas. They deserve to be out in the WILD. Showcasing their illustrious beauty and dirt moving tires to the world.
So I decided to make a list of the ways a monster truck should be used. Let’s take a look.
- Morning Traffic: Have you ever been sitting in the morning rush with horns and irritated drivers hating their lives? Me too, I’ve been one of those people and it isn’t fun. But, if I had a monster truck I could just drive over them. Hopefully they wouldn’t die but this isn’t an exercise in kindness after all. The joy might be in the crunch of commuters being left in my dust.
- Taking a girl on a date: Yeah, stretch limos are nice for prom but we’re grown ups here. I want to pick up a girl in a monster truck and judge her on the amount of time it takes to climb in. No footstools for you miss. Maybe I could have a stop watch and it’d be a chart I could keep? The better.. the more potential? Still gotta iron the details out.
- A police chase: Okay hypothetical right, but if a cop pulled me over for driving on city streets in my monster truck I think it’d be pretty great to take off. Maybe I could fill up the tires with some slime too, or have the air pressure low enough that spike strips wont worry me. All rubber tires? I don’t know, but it’d be awesome. Except they’d shoot me, they do that a lot.
- Uber driver: I would love to pick someone up in one of these. Maybe out in the country so it wasn’t hyper illegal. Actually, uber eats might even be better. You could pull up to someone who lives on the second story without getting out of the monster truck. It would definitely save time.
- Four wheeling: Oh yeah how’s your 3 inch lift kit? Mine is several feet, you squirt! Let’s ignore the fact that a monster truck would tip, it’s all about the pissing contest for this one.
- Putting lifted trucks to shame: Piggybacking off our previous point, the guys that lift their street legal trucks as high as they can go deserve to be shamed too. There’s always a bigger fish to fry – and that could be me in my monster truck!
- Handicap Parking Space Vigilante: Alright get this, I wait for someone who doesn’t have the right to park in a disabled space and then.. I crush their car while they’re inside shopping or whatever. We’ve all seen these people that take handicap spaces and some street justice could do the trick.
- Skipping drive thru lines: Just like cutting through traffic, I could get a handheld extender pole to couple with my truck and snatch the order when the cashier is handing the food to the driver. It would have to require a lot of precision and timing, but it could be done.
I'm the owner of Beast Auto. I live in Phoenix, Arizona. I love anything automotive related, and taking road trips all across my beautiful state.