We’ve all seen an ugly car. We’ve all seen an ugly baby, too. The difference is, that baby has no choice that its parents were slapped with the ugly stick to and fro and back again. The car was molded by man. Signed off on by engineers to executives and even when the first one came off the production line looking like some hot trash, they continued to produce them. Let’s have a gander at some ugly production cars and ugly car projects. We’ve written a post on barf bags if you need some after browsing through these abominations.
Here are the ugliest cars in existence:
What the Prius has in fuel efficiency, it vomits out in disgustingness. Have you ever drawn an oval, and then imagined what it would look with wheels on it? If you have, you have the design capabilities of a Toyota engineer. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to save the environment, but when you meet a typical Prius owner.. they MUST let you know they’re saving the environment. All while drinking Starbucks on the daily that got their beans from commodity arbitrage while some poor village in South Africa toils for their favorite brew. Okay, I made that last part up.
Also, why do so many Prius owners drive like maniacs? We don’t get it, and we’re glad the Tesla is the “cool” electric car now. We can manage to look at that one.
Toyota Master Ace
We swear this isn’t hate on Toyota day. But, the Toyota Master Ace was something else. Secretly, we kind of admire this thing. Is that okay? I know this article is about hating on it, but retro stuff is in now.
The Toyota Master Ace surf wasn’t available in America, this is a Japanese model. It tried to capture the vibe of the 70s with its painting combination and still manages to have three rows of seating. We do nominate it to replace the Scooby Doo van, this one looks like it ventilates air a bit better.
Take the gas, internal combustion and revving of engines out of any vehicle and you have the Toyota Calinda. This car speaks to the world and tells it you’re going to drive below the speed limit. Made for the driver who has a phobia of the gas pedal, the Calinda is a statement car. “I’m a law abiding citizen and you can go around me!”. Except they usually stick to one lane roads. The Calinda wins our heart for being the limp wet handshake of the 90s.
The brass at Subaru was struck with a novel thought when they first decided on the Baja. What if we could make something with a truck bed..without the towing capacity of a truck? And boy, did they succeed. The Baja is supposed to be a sporty car similar to the WRX but with a different styling. A homage to rally-race trucks. Except they added a plastic lower body that looks like a cheap toy car you’d get in a dollar store. To its credit, Suby’s are beloved for their unique look. However, this one just didn’t work. The Baja bombed, having a 3 year run from 2003-2006.
Dodge Ram 350 - The Candy Van
Have you ever seen a van that tells you more about a person than a white Dodge Ram? This one actually has windows so we can’t go off on our tangent of a candy man, but we can give you 50% odds the driver is an unemployed conspiracy theorist. Or, they clean carpets.
Fiat Fiorino - Ugly and Functional
When we first saw this truck/storage hybrid thing, we wanted to call it ugly. Like most of the people that look at the Mona Lisa the first time. But, unlike the Mona Lisa… this is functional art and we can actually find beauty in it. Not lie to ourselves that it’s pretty because other snobby artists say it is! NO. This is BEAUTY. The Fiorino might look mousey, but imagine taking this thing on a camping trip. It’s so small but you could store so many beers in that truck/storage thing that you’d be in love with it by the end of your trip.
Have you ever wanted to drive a moon rover? We think that might be what they were going for when this thing hit the market. This was considered the first minivan and hit the market in the 70s as a kit car. It had a fiberglass body and it was a solid construction. Do you see a driver door? Nope! You could only enter from a sliding panel on the right side of the vehicle. This kit took a stab at a new design and came out ugly, what can you do. Brubaker filed in the same year he released his kits to the marketplace, and very few were ever sold.
To be destructive is a creative urge as well, I read that somewhere once. And, when the designer decided to troll Chrysler into building something that looked like the concept car of a 5th grader. This thread on reddit highlights various reasons people may have purchased their own mistake of a cruiser. With the top comment saying,” I wanted a convertible that looked like a bathtub on wheels when the top was down”.
An eloquent description of the PT Cruiser. It was supposed to have a retro gangster type of look to it, and this is how it came out. This car serves a deep meaning to me because I remember how cool I thought it was when I first laid eyes on it. I was obsessed, about something ugly. Looking back on it now, let it be a lesson to us all.
Drunk goggles happen, even when you’re sober. These things didn’t just sell one year and flop, no. PT cruisers can still be seen on the road today flopping around like manatees out of their environment. Harmless, and ugly.
We hope this post didn’t hurt any feelings, it’s all in good fun.
I'm the owner of Beast Auto. I live in Phoenix, Arizona. I love anything automotive related, and taking road trips all across my beautiful state.